The 4 Food Groups of Eating Disorders

Guess what bitches? It's my birthday! And you know what that means? I can write about any damn thing I want!!

....

Wait, what? You mean I can write about anything I want all the time? It's my blog? Well crap, just take the wind out of my sails on my goddamn birthday why don't ya?! Now where was I? Oh yeah, vigorous proclamations.

Today I'm getting on my soapbox and refusing to eat cake. Why is everyone so pro-cake on your birthday? Just give it a rest people, I'm not having a slice. I'm too focused on the diet plan I'm constructing, sculpted out of ruthless discipline and deep, deep self-loathing.

My diet plan that will soon be sweeping the nation: The Eating Disorder Diet. Forget low-carb, low-fat, high-protein, eating for your blood type, cookie diet, shake diet, cabbage soup diet. This is where real results begin. Just choose any options from the food groups below. Oh, and these are rather broad extrapolations of "food." Suspension of disbelief helps.

The 4 (actually 5, shhh) food groups are:

• Ice: Drinking things ice cold makes you burn a few more calories as your body has to heat up the liquid to body temperature. Let's be clear here, the amount of calories is rather minuscule, 25 extra calories for every 1/2 liter of ice water consumed but to an eating-disordered person this is like FREE calorie burning. Also, munching ice almost resembles eating actual food, and you get to miss chewing after awhile. Interestingly enough, this practice is completely contrary to the Chinese medicine belief that HOT foods stimulate chi and help boost your metabolism and COLD foods are stagnating and should be avoided. You'll have to just make your own decision on this one.

• Liquids: Valid options include unsweetened coffee and tea, diet sodas, diet lemonade and water. Lemons have a diuretic effect so double bonus points. Karen Carpenter loved her some lemons! Hot tea and coffee will actually make you feel a little full and keep your tummy less rumbly. Feel free to mix it up and alternate between hot drinks and iced drinks. See how many exciting variables there are in this diet? If you are feeling like splurging, add Splenda. Yum!

• Low and No-Calorie Foods: Sugar-free gum (5 to 10 calories), sugar-free jello, diet hot chocolate eaten out of the packet, and almost all vegetables. Iceberg lettuce anyone? Most noobs will start out eating fruits and other real foods they think are healthy in the initiation period, but during the transition and maintenance phases you'll have to let those go.
  

• Stimulants: Anything as ordinary as caffeine all the way up to methamphetamine, Adderall, and clenbuterol (originally used to treat asthma in horses). Your metabolism is going to nosedive once you stop eating and your body starts cannibalizing your muscles so you're gonna need some juice to get you through the day. Has anybody seen my bottle of No Doz laying around? ...

• Purgatives, natural and otherwise: Laxatives like castor oil, prune juice, ExLax, enemas, etc. If you eat, and you will eventually break down and cheat, I mean eat, you are going to need some of these to help get that food out as quickly as possible. Also, the less you eat the more sluggish your whole digestive tract is going to be. Nobody said this was going to be a bed of roses people, suck it up! Do you want to be emaciated or not?!

So there you have it. My simple ED plan all laid out for you. Just combine this eating plan with excessive exercise and a vociferous body dysmorphia and you will be wasting away in NO time. Cheers fatties!