So I was up in the mountains for the 4th of July holiday and just had to capture all of the excitement and grandeur. Okay, basically I just sat around and watched my baby put tennis balls in and out of a tennis ball container about 400 times and drank rum and Coke. But while I did this, I spent some time pondering America and the American idiom. Because I'm an American and we like to multitask.
So I present to you an American tutorial. Being an American means many things to many people:
It means you can build monuments to really important things, like Doritos. Screw Indiana Jones and his fancy-ass temples, what we've got right here is the Arc de' Spicy Nacho. Its patriotic! And sparkly! And Zesty! Yes Virginia, there is indeed a Doritos Wiki page too, in case you need to brush up on your Doritos factoids. Probably written by an American.
Americans also can't spell for shit. Beanie BaBYS??? Here's a little advice: If you are going to go to all the trouble of getting a tacky Knott's Berry Farm wood-burnt sign made, for Christ's sake double-check your spelling.
Americans like booze and we like old things. We really, really like old booze. It makes us feel all historical and shit. So you can only imagine how excited I was when I found this vintage Lucky's vodka bottle tucked up in the liquor cabinet. Lucky isn't even a store anymore. Do you think I can get big bucks for this on eBay? (On further wiki research, I discover that Lucky's apparently is coming back. But this is an original Lucky's vodka bottle so that makes it rare-rare, EHTF! That's my story and I'm sticking with it.)
Here in America we like plastic replicas of dead animals that we can hang on our walls, preferably ones that sing songs and tell jokes. It's in the Constitution or the Bill of Rights or something. The right to bear arms, freedom of speech and singing decapitated heads. Go look it up for yourself!
But this .... this I am probably going to burn in hell for posting. The look of abject horror on my husband's face as I whipped out my phone to take a picture of this poster. "You're not going to put that on your BLOG are you?" Relax, Jesus doesn't have time to add me to his Google Reader babe.
But wait, things got spooky when I came home and started uploading pictures from all my various cameras and phones. I tried to upload this flier picture FIVE TIMES before I was successful. User error or some guardian angel's desperate attempts to save me from eternal damnation? You be the judge.
Americans LOVE Jesus. They don't just kinda tolerate him. They want their kids to take 'A Thrilling Ride with Jesus'. That about sums up every day of my life already so what do I need SonWorld for? Then I realized that maybe they are on to something. There is a huge gaping niche in the amusement park market by leaving God out of it. The log ride could be called Red Sea Rapids, the scary roller-coaster could be called Fall From Grace. That game where you try to hook the fishies swimming around. Fishes? Jesus? At at the end of the day you'd get to buy a snow globe with a picture of you and Jesus on it with little angels instead of snowflakes. Think of the marketing potential? "I Survived a Fall From Grace" t-shirts and the like? This is fucking EPIC! I would give it a better name though, like Halo Mountain or something. Suddenly I have a burning desire to go to SonWorld and eat funnel cakes and sing Kumbaya. But that's just me, living the American dream.
Note: No I am not getting AdSense revenue from the American League or trying to break the world's record for number of times someone used "American" in one post, it just magically happened. You might even say it was ... miraculous.
UPDATE: Hats off to Mark for uncovering this SonWorld trailer, in case you're on the fence about going. Will SonWorld really make you a believer? Find out here: Son World video trailer
6 comments:
Funny shit! Can I take a ride in the Handbasket to Hell at the amusement park?
Melissa-
You're probably a little young to remember it, but there once was a Christian theme park. Google "Heritage USA" for the story of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker [eventually Mesner]. That said, there are probably one or two such parks still out there somewhere. As is obvious from your post, we Americans LOVE building false idols to our gods...
-MR
PS: Loved your site. My first stop, but I'll try to be back...
@Sandy That's an awesome idea for a ride, you're hired!
@Mike Oh I think I remember something like that now. I loved Tammy Faye and those wicked sinful Maybelline lashes of hers. I'm sure there probably are a few still around, maybe in Branson, MO or someplace in the South? Thanks for the compliment on my site, come back and visit, ya hear?
At first I thought you wrote that you let your baby drink rum and coke. I was going to congratulate you. My parents only gave me Guinness.
Anyway, just checked out the SonWorld website. Heh. The preview video is great. It talks about choice and choosing and choosing choices that choose the choiciest choices you can choose. It also says things like "kids WILL learn how to choose to follow Jesus every day". Erm. Can anyone say "sinister"? Of course you can make any choice you like but the choice you like will be the one we tell you to like. Scary.
Its funny how Americans (me too) like to build weird crap.
@Mark Well at least I don't give her rum and DIET Coke, what with all those dangerous chemicals in it.
So choosy moms choose SonWorld? (that was a Jif joke)
@Curtis Don't we though? I was absolutely stunned by the singing deer head, shouldn't that be in a cartoon rather than real life? I almost bought it right then and there, it was so bizarre.
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