Solvang is close. Close enough to make a day trip out of it, far enough away to feel like I'm going somewhere. It is also incredibly kitchy and forced, which is always a bonus. Let's take a faux Nordic village and plunk it down in the middle of California. Nevermind the fact that it is 100 degrees. The weird thing is, there were hordes of Europeans there!
This trip started out with a visit to the ladies room, as always. Nothing says road trippin like safety mirrors and no soap.
My hopes of a baby in the clog photo op were dashed when I realized it was hotter than the surface of the sun. Drats! Oh well, just imagine a baby sitting in there. Awww, isn't she cute? Take a picture, quick!
Everything in Solvang is vaguely Nordic or Denmarkian or something like that. The Vinhus looks like a ship, but with wine and the ever-present American flag on the front.
Example #1 why you never let your 8-year-old daughter name your store. Look what can happen!
The only upside to it being 100 fucking degrees was getting to buy a new hat. Hooray for heat stroke!
Being roughly 5 hours away from San Francisco, it seems fitting they would have a Birkenstock store here, right? Question is, how does Birkenstock get away with keeping their hippie image yet selling leather goods? My husband says their slogan should be "Our leather only comes from euthanized cows." Who cares if it's true? The PETA freaks will eat it up.
Yes, I'd like an order of self-loathing with the regret drizzle. Body dysmorphia on the SIDE please, on the side.
What's crappier than a beignet but yummier than a bran muffin? Aebleskivers, of course! It is practically Solvang's sole purpose, cranking these bad boys out.
Your belief that you are getting any of my aebleskivers is touching, really. You are so naive.
Here's an idea. Go to the thrift store, buy some old ties, sew them together, and sell it for $90! These people are obviously on Etsy.
Another great feature of Solvang is their creepy murals. "Hey Olga, let's go down to the pie cellar. There's something in there I want you to churn." America FTW!
Okay, that mural was so great I simply MUST tweet it. Wait, how the hell do I post to Twitter on this payphone? Fail!
My accidental version of Michelangelo. Yes it's a stretch, people. It's called suspension of disbelief, check into it!
On the ride home we get stuck behind a red Corvette doing 30 on the freeway. PSA: If you buy a red Corvette, have the intestinal fortitude to drive it like a God-damn man. Show some sack! The vanity plate says 4MYSPRT. I'm guessing the "spirit animal" in question must be a turtle.
So that's Solvang in a nutshell. Donut holes with powdered sugar, overpriced souvenirs, and vaguely Nordic architecture. See? I saved you a trip!
8 comments:
Oh my God! I feel like I was there!!! The pix are great and hysterical, all at the same time.
PS
You're adorable in your new hat!!
You are SO angling for the position of "Solvang's goodwill ambassador to the world". I'm itching to deface that sign and make it say "The Autistic Pony". Way bettah.
Aebleskivers!!!! FTW!
My 8 yr old would've gone with "The Pink Kitten". (which sounds line an entirely different kind of store) Autistic Pony is genious though. What are the latest stats? 1 in 100 babies? Just imagine the # of hits your online store would get from those desperate exhausted autism moms. Come on, you know, I know it...
GREAT hat, BTW
Damn, sorry for all the typos. Just take a hit of tequila and a quick spin in your chair before attempting to read my comments. It'll all be clear then. Or you'll be too busy cleaning up your keyboard to notice. Retreating away from my keyboard now...
You look great:) Loving your dress! You do seem like you have great trip:)
Little Known Fact: Sarah Palin summers in Solvang; she lost her virginity in the giant red clog.
Little Known Fact: Sarah Palin winters in Solvang; she lost her second virginity in the custom Nordic phone booth.
@Mimzie Thanks, you rock!
@GorillaSushi Anxiously awaiting my custom photoshopped 'autistic pony' picture.
@Jonathan Aebelskivers! Booyah!
@Ang Your typos are all forgiven. You have an 8 year old, remember?
@Eve Thanks! I have a proclivity for dressing like a girly-girl.
@Amelia Little Known Fact: Sarah Palin has a lederhosen fetish that only Solvang can satisfy.
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