Pimp My Business Card

"Because sometimes a solitary penguin IS the right message to convey who you are: A lonely, frigid little bitch who waddles."

I have never had a business card in my life, I've never had a job that required me to have one. As I'm going to the New Media Expo next week, it just dawned on me that I should have SOME form of social media identification, preferably some small scrap of paper that shout "Hello world, I've got blogs! Here are the addresses, come or don't come, I don't really care."

Once I stop being the world's leading authority on procrastination technologies, I plan on getting a business card designed by Jason at Gorilla Sushi. That might be a lost cause though because he is on the brink of worldwide fame and glory after his Fail Whale Pale Ale submission wins and then he won't even take my calls anymore and I'll be all "Hey, I knew you way back when. Don't you remember me?" and he'll be all "Um, guards, release the hounds!"

So in the short term, and because we are talking literally days now, I wanted to go with a same-day printing job. You know, real classy like. Browsed on over to Staples and oh-my-God the weirdness began. Come stroll with me on a journey I like to call "the many moods and colors of my blog."




Okay the one that started it all! Why are cherry knockers so wrong and yet so right at the same time? God it's like horrible perfection. Since I don't have one single, solitary tattoo and I'm not siliconically enhanced, this would be especially funny. Here, take this card that is in no way a representation of who I am. But look, boobies!!! You KNOW you'd take one.





"Hi, I'm skater douche. I'll spend more time smoking weed than working and I'll be doing ollies off the copier, but hire me okay? Kay."





Hopefully this one comes scented too, just for the full effect. Is this saying "I'm an ashtray?" to anyone else? I don't have a raspy enough voice to pull this one off.





Perfection! Laptop, world domination, money, and a crumpled pile of clothes. This card IS ME! But I must trudge on, in search of business card oddities for your amusement.





"If you hire me, I'll take 3-hour lunches and 42 smoke breaks. But at least I'll use the little plastic clock sign, I'm considerate like that!"





Of course I can't use this one, this isn't a group blog. But with my beatboxing skills this card would be so .... ironic. I CRAVE to know who has this card. Please reveal yourself to me!





"Here is my card, now give me all your money or the receptionist gets it!" With my colorful past of course I'm leaning toward this one. What, you don't remember I'm a wanted criminal? Let me refresh your memory:



See? Don't mess with me people, I'm dangerous.





Oh yes, this is going to sting a little but you need a hot blog injection. "She's the one they call Dr. Feelblog, she's gonna make ya feel all right!" (If you didn't get that Motley Crue reference you are TOO young. Go ask your dad.)





"My mad skillz get everyone doing the Funky Chicken. Above the fold! Yee haw! Everybody on the dance floor, come on, let's go."





"My blog will give you an eating disorder. My blog will give your KIDS an eating disorder! (fatties)"





"Read my blog! I am a bad mo-fo who is not afraid to put my faux leather-gloved fist through a prebroken piece of glass in front of a purple backdrop. Recognize!"





"Take my fucking business card or I'm gonna pop a cap in your ass!"





I actually really, really, really (really) like this card. "Take my card or I will roll you out like wholesale carpet, round-eye. Crouching tiger, hidden blogger, hai-yah!"





"You'd be wise to read my blog or I will burn your mother-fucking house down. No lie!"





This one is titled "ballerina." I don't know what kind of broke-ass ballet she is doing but I have never, ever seen that move before. Who is this card marketed to? Okay, besides me. Who?





Even cheetah hunters need business cards ya'all. Every time someone doesn't take his card, a cheetah dies. Just take it and say thanks!





"My domain is worth thiiiiiiiis much!"





This one says "I have no interest in actual work, can't you tell from my glazed expression that I am right this minute fantasizing about lounging under a palm tree in a bikini, sipping something out of a coconut" Oh wait, this is the one I picked! Shit.