Twitter Qwitter Cards, Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

There has been a lot of talk on Twitter about Qwitter. If you don't know what Twitter is, might I suggest something off the archived posts menu? Anyway, Qwitter which allows you to track who unfollows you and what your last tweet was. There are big problems with this concept. Personally, I don't unfollow based on a single tweet. It's more a buildup of annoyance until I just.can't.take.it.anymore and then unfollow. Unless your tweet was really disgusting or blatantly horrific, I don't think you have much to worry about. Qwitter supplying you the last tweet as evidence, is useless and misleading.

So here's my brilliant plan: Qwitter Cards. A handy way to let that person know, hey, it wasn't that tweet about pooping, it was the fact that you're annoying as fuck, ALL THE TIME. Here are some of the main offenders that give me an itchy unfollow finger:

THE TWOOL


You spam more than a Hawaiian at lunchtime, boy! We get it, you've got this great [product] to share, okay so go share it. Over there, look. Do you see them? The other Twitter marketers, your own kind. This is just like that scene in Muppets From Space. You can all sit in a circle jerk and retweet each other's links. Monetize!

THE RELENTLESSLY RANDOM

At first glance your Twitter page's pointlessness seemed so charming:

• Just sat up in bed, my butt is numb.
• Ran out of copy paper.
• Thirsty.
• Okay, going to the store.

Remember that time the cat was in your pant leg? CRAZY. But it was a fleeting charm and now I'm wishing you'd either think of something interesting to say or shut the hell up. Sorry it's not you, it's m ... okay, it's you.

THE NICHE-ER


Darling, we have nothing in common because you're only topic is [TV show, kids, craft, team, WOW]. There is a great big world of things to talk about and all you want to discuss is:
(pick one and cross out the rest)

• the latest plot twist in that show.
• another Youtube video screenshot of the 57th level.
• little Timmy's ear infection.
• how Madrino fumbled that pass, dude!
• plastic soft-drink holder crochet art on Etsy.

THE OMG SHE NEVER SHUTS UP


So gregarious. You have a super-cute avatar and scores of followers so you seemed like a good bet ... initially. The first red flag should have been how you append your bio with 'bunny'. I thought maybe you just liked carrots a lot or thought you were more adorable than you actually are. I didn't realize it was because you tweet like a horny rabbit. I need to drop you and free my twitterstream from your sweaty clutches. Oh well. Nice rack, though.

_______________________________________________


But Melissa, are there any instances when it would be in poor taste to send a card? Why yes, there is one type of follow you should never send a card to:

THE SAD SACK


Also known as the pity follow. Often seen bleating about losing followers or having no followers, now you know why. Nonstop kvetching, they will invariably have a cold, their cat has a cold, or they are sitting next to someone with a cold. The only time I would suggest following this person is if you suffer from Excessive Happiness Syndrome (very rare, BTW) and need something for your constant state of joy. Now can you see how sending them a card would be mean? You'd be depriving them of the ability to wank about you unfollowing them. Don't take that away from them, it's all they've got!