Verizon Voyager Puts It In Warp Drive

I went and did it. You might recall how broke-ass my phone was. I finally got a new phone last week, the Verizon Voyager. CNET has a great review of the phone, nevermind the fact that the guy at Verizon had never even heard of CNET and got all defensive when I mentioned it. Ummm hey, Mr. Cellphone Man, you should really check out the Interweb sometime, I hear it is even cooler than downloading games onto a phone! Oh, and don't look a gift review in the mouth. Here is the CNET review, I love this guy's voice:


I wasn't even thinking about looking at this phone, but my husband thought I should. Bad idea. Once you hold this phone in your hand, all is lost. It's like an iPhone, except with Qwerty and it probably won't freeze up. Uh oh, I probably just unleashed the Mac fanboys with that one, sorry...

So here I was, sitting in the Verizon store oogling this Voyager. I had phone lust again! It went badly for me with my Chocolate but I am an eternal optimist and this one is going to be the one, dammit. We will ride off into the sunset together.

The touchscreen is what has been getting the most complaints (per Verizon man), but I haven't had a problem with mine so far. They put a clear wrap on it so the screen wouldn't get scratched, and my phone is now safe for phone sex. The outer touchscreen is massive (2.8 inches) and gives tactile feedback with Vibetouch technology. You do have to give it a distinct tap, but after that Chocolate, this feels like slipping on a mink coat after wearing a Hefty bag.

One caveat is the scrolling action, which is bottom-to-top, rather than top-to-bottom. I mean, the scroll button on the side is positioned at the top, wouldn't you assume, top to bottom? I was trying to work it like a computer scrollbar and it was all, 'fool, ur at the top of yur contact list, you cain't git no hayer!' No really, that is the voice of my phone, you thought it was going to have some Trekkie kinda voice because it is a Voyager, didn't you? Nope, I got a white trash hillbilly Voyager. I do wish there was a way to reverse the scroll, as I always forget to scroll the INCORRECT way and it should be able to scroll up or down, dont-cha think?

Inside is a full Qwerty keyboard so now I can outtext any teenager. How? 'Cause I am a professional typist ya'all. I've got fingers of fury. Those cartoons of people typing so fast you can't see their fingers? That'd be me. The keyboard layout feels wider than my first laptop, very spacious. This phone also has rad menu and dial fonts; my phone is currently sporting some wicket Tim Burtonesque font. You can also set your inner and outer wallpaper to be animations (some included with the phone) or videos. I like little bells and whistles like that. I have only had it for a few days and haven't gotten a chance to really explore all its capabilities but I am giving it a honeymoon-period thumbs up. Here are some of the highlights:

Large 2.81″ external touch screen
VibeTouch Technology for tactile feedback
QWERTY keyboard with large keys
Music player for MP3, WMA, AAC, AAC+
Stereo sound with dual speakers
microSD memory port, up to 8GB support
Bluetooth
2.0 megapixel autofocus camera & camcorder
Camera
resolutions: 1600 x 1200 (default), 1280 x 960, 640 x 480, 320 x 240 pixels
Video resolutions: 320 x 240, 176 x 144 (default) pixels
HTML web
browsing with touch navigation
V CAST mobile TV, music and video
Text,
picture, video messaging & mobile IM
Get It Now capable
Mobile email
VZ Navigator
One–touch speakerphone (via internal keyboard)
USB mass
storage, transfer between PC and phone, with microSD card
Retractable TV
antenna for TV reception
Contact list up to 1000

I'm All In

I have been trying to learn poker. I know poker jumped the shark about 2 years ago, but that is why I'm interested now. I am so hip that I get into things AFTER the trend has hit the clearance rack. Just try to wrap your brain around that for a minute.

It's all my husband's fault really. His poker parties are so loud and raucous, how can that be a bad time? I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. We had a couples poker party and I had fun even though I had no idea what I was doing. I'm sure I folded a slam dunk hand and didn't know it. I am still trying to remember the difference between a straight and a flush. Don't even try to explain your theory about how you should bet depending on if it is before or after the flop, my eyes are starting to glaze over already.

So to bone up on it, we have taken to watching the World Poker Tour on TV. I love sitting there screaming at the TV because I know the guy with the sunglasses and the cowboy hat is about to get his ass handed to him because that other guy with no sunglasses and the baseball hat has a straight flush. Don't do it! Don't go all in you fool! Ohhhhh, I cover my eyes. There goes your kid's college tuition.

The great thing about watching WPT, besides the emboldened feeling that comes along with knowing something they don't know, and the hot babes dumping platters of cash on the table, is the commercials. All they do is run ads for online poker sites. Like, do they know their target audience or what? These ads kill me because they pair poker with opera. Is it the longing part or the everyone dies in the end part that makes this work? It actually really works, for some weird reason. Also, you can learn a lot of poker lingo, just from the commercials, although this one doesn't even mention puppy dogs, which bums me out. Why don't they talk about puppy dogs on the WPT?

Hey Inventor Dudes, Twitter Alarm Clock Please

I overslept this morning. I remember repeatedly beating the alarm clock back into silence. I remember squinting at the numbers on the clock from under my pillow: 7:28. Cool, that sounds about right. As I was lying there I began to process the fact that the 7 o-clock was, in fact, an 8 o'clock ... Okay, NOT so cool. What was I dreaming about that was so great I didn't want to wake up? No, besides that, gosh! Naughty people.

I was thinking how amazing it would be to have a Twitter alarm clock, sending in the tweets of everyone I was following. I think it had something to do with getting sucked into the drama swirling around the current Twitter TOS controversy. I love a good scandal, especially one that involves stalkers and public name-calling.

But this Twitter alarm clock is going to kick ass. You say your friends are lame and only tweet every 3 days? (Okay, I only tweet every 3 days but that is beside the point). The Twitter alarm clock will have a setting for it to read off the public timeline. That way you don't have to worry about being late for that important meeting with your boss and trying to blame your 'Twitter alarm clock.' Your boss will have no idea what you are talking about, being the head-stuck-up-his-ass, non Web 2.0 Neanderthal that he is, and will think Twitter is some kind of Rabbit-like sex toy. You know Twitter does sounds like something dayglo and vibrating and latexy. Well it does! My Twitter alarm clock will get you up on time and you won't even be wasting daylight checking in with Twitter, you can listen to all your tweets while you get brush and floss and do whatever it is you do in the morning.

Just like any uber-geeky Sharper Image gadget, you will be able to set the voice processor and choose amongst a number of voices to read your tweets. I'm thinking William Shatner, Salma Hayek, and Snoop Dog are a few good ones to start with. Come on now, Snoop Dog reading your tweets is almost too awesome for words, you know it. Britney Spears when she is bipolar British Britney would kick serious ass too. 'It's Britney bitch, now get up and drive me to Starbucks! Oh, and @berry-gurl is riding the subway and thinking about what to have for lunch.'

Hey inventor dudes who sit around all day inventing stuff, get cracking on this for me, will ya? I know you are spending every precious minute on those freaky perfect women but put Little Billy back in your pants and help a sister out for once. I have even done my own crap-ass Paint mockup for you to take your inspiration from, see above. Don't forget to twitter me, http://twitter.com/mayjah, when you get 'er done. Have at it.

Oh, and you're welcome! You can thank me by naming a model after me, I like the ring of the Mayjah Twittah clock.

Naked Friday - A Cautionary Tale

Everyone should do something fun on Fridays. It's not like it is called 'Thank God it's Tuesday.' You are about to participate in 2 days of fun and adventure and debauchery that you probably won't even remember when it's all said and done. This being a long holiday weekend, make that three days of brain cell annihilation. Ironic that it's called Memorial Day and you won't even have one trace of a memory of it.

So it's Friday and you are gonna celebrate. Some chicks might go get manicures, some guys might pick up a case of Bud on the way home, some people might just declare it naked day. For the sake of this tale I am referring to a hypothetical somebody (cough). Naked and Friday just seem to go together, like peanut butter and jelly or Jack and Coke. And maybe yours truly hypothetical person now realizes that taking Naked Friday outside was a bad idea.

Learn from my hypothetical somebody's mistakes, people. Stay safe, keep the festivities indoors. Things to postpone until Naked Friday is over: deep frying, weed-whacking, bee-keeping, walking the dog.

Poor mailman didn't know what hit him. Sorry mail carrier guy!

OMG Ponies!

• Gas for trip to the outlet mall in SUV: $4.00



• Overpriced vending machine Coke: $2.50



• Barrettes from Claire's (tiny ponies with 3D brush tails, see pic) : $5.00



• My husband's face when I shrieked "OMG ponies!" so loud the entire store stops: Priceless

(More Blogger spellcheck fun facts: It doesn't like OMG and suggests changing it to OMB .... And what, pray tell, is OMB? Old man boobs?)

The WWF Has Some 'Splainin To Do

No not the wrestling WWF, the World Wildlife Fund WWF. Pandas are so endangered they made them part of their cute little logo. I call bullshit! How can pandas be endangered when I can buy a TOOB of them at the toy store? Wait, make that 2 TOOBS. Yeah, they must be getting really scarce.

In case you are wondering, you can buy TOOBS of lots of different things, even cowboys and pirates; sounds totally toobular.

Brown Onesies and Borscht

Once the baby was crawling forwards we knew it was time to put her in a baby container. Ahhh how I long for the good old days when she was only going backwards, she didn't really get into that much trouble. Even going off a step isn't dangerous, as long as you are crawling backwards.

They make lots of different types of baby-containing devices, starting with reclining vibrating cots for age zero babies all the way up to leashes for walking babies. Each containment system becomes profoundly useless once they are on to the next milestone so be prepared for ever-growing piles of baby debris cluttering up your home if you don't get your ass over to craigslist and start listing your extinct gear. Such is the awesomeness of the circle of life, there is always an unfortunate couple just 3 months behind you on the continuum, desperately in search of the Bumbo your kid just outgrew.

For the current 3-month span of babyhood we are living through, we decide that the Superyard would be our best bet. It sounds so Super! doesn't it? Let's be frank; this is just a plastic gate that comes in an original size but also has an expander kit. So you can be a cheap, bad mom and keep them in a small yard or, I am sure the manufacturer is hoping, you will be a Super! mom and opt for the expander kit. Why they wouldn't just make the original size kit a little bit bigger I'm not sure, but I'm guessing it has something to do with money. Damn capitalists.

You can set it up anywhere, it says right on the box. Talk about freedom! I could take it to the beach, the park, deep in the desert where no one would hear her screaming .... Okay, I need to turn off my internal dialogue before Child Protective Services comes a-knockin.

I had read the reviews on Amazon and one of the complaints was that eventually your baby will dissolve into tears at the mere sight of the Superyard, once they awaken to the reality that you are planning on plopping them in there and WALKING AWAY. I am sure this is arguable for any baby container though; most babies just don't like to be set down and ignored, that's life. Put yourself in their Robeez for a minute. Who would want to play in a boring old Pack-n-Play when there are electrical outlets to poke and pen caps to choke on, all whilst keeping an eye on that mom of yours?

We thought we'd be clever and just use our Superyard to build a baby Berlin wall across our living room. Look, still the same room, see? She is great as long as YOU are in East Berlin with her. She will play all day in that half of the room, happy as a propaganda film factory worker. She doesn't mind the lack of Western trappings or the fascist rhetoric. All is perfect until you make a break for West Berlin. Good God there will be hell to pay. She stands up, leans against the gate and just howls plaintively through the slats, sounding like sad Hedwig singing Wicked Little Town. Wait, was this whole post a lame excuse to put up a Hedwig clip? (pause)

I've tried turning on music (Western music!), distracting her and then trying to sneak over the edge, giving her paper to shred, she ain't falling for it. So what does that leave me with? An ugly plastic Berlin Wall right through my living room and a West Berliner baby putting hazardous material in her mouth. Is that really progress?

Didn't We Almost Have It All?

I am in new phone countdown. I have been ready to launch my phone off a cliff for months now, a first-generation Chocolate. The phone is quite stunning and I had the hots for it immediately. One look and I knew I wanted to just get my hands all over that thing. Maybe that was part of our problem. There were no shared interests, no inside jokes, no shared love of foreign films and walks in the rain. I have nothing in common with this phone! It was superficial phone lust pure and simple. And the moral of this story is: Never Buy First-Gen. Things will malfunction, the employees at the phone store will stare at you with glazed eyes and shrug their shoulders.

Well now it is that time of year, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Verizon has started bombarding my house with glossy adverts of sexy new candidates. "Hey, your contract is about to expire, why don't you ditch that piece of crap and upgrade to a new model? We know we didn't really care that it sucked, but can't we start over again? We really want to make it work this time."

Even from the beginning, the sensitivity was all over the place. I never knew how he wanted to be handled, sometimes all he needed was 1 soft tap, sometimes 2 hard whacks with a mallet, so emotionally unstable. Then he started with the scrolling wildly when you would go to make a call and calling random people in my Contact List (highly inadvisable). Very passive-aggressive behavior, right? If I had a $1 for the number of times I hung up on people I never meant to call, I'd probably have enough money to send them all flowers.

Oh Chocolate, it could have been so great. Where did it all go wrong? The crappiness of the touchscreen make the most common of phone acts cumbersome and sometimes impossible. And don't even think you will be tossing out your iPod because this thing holds music, as loading it and listening to it is kind of a pain in the ass without a working touchscreen.

Fast forward to now, my touchpad 'dial' function is completely kaput, he has just tuned me out completely. The only way to place a call is to go through a SEVEN step process (I just counted)which includes entering and saving the number, exiting and entering different screens, scrolling through your contact list, using the 'options' button to navigate to CALL. Gee, that sounds quick and easy right? What if you want to just call a number once in your life, like Home Depot or something? Too bad, have to create an entry for it anyway. Right now in my phone there are dozens of entries that start with 'aa' so I don't have to scroll far to get to them. It looks like someone with a thick Italian accent got into my contacts and is reading them aloud: aaPapa Johns, aaDr. Smith.

It is so over between me and this Chocolate, I can't stand the sight of him anymore and yet here he is, still hanging around. Can't he take a hint? In my mind, I am already at the Verizon store, fantasizing about my new hot phone and how much happier it is going to make me than this sorry excuse for a communication device.

So who am I lusting after now? A Blackberry Pearl, maybe even in pink. A bit metrosexual I know but he is that confident in his masculinity. Never mind the fact that I have absolutely no need for instantaneous email updating and surfing the web while I'm grocery shopping. I am a telecommuter with a baby at home for God's sake, I'm not flying across the country on the red-eye for an uber-important meeting in the morning. Even though it has no practical purpose in my life, I just love the way it looks. I am talking myself out of it though, or trying to. But maybe I'll get an EnV so I can at least twitter from the coffee and tea aisle, that sounds fun. You know you want to hear what is on sale this week and whether the lady in front of me used coupons.

Surely One of The Original Human Rights

we interrupt the steady stream of nonseriousness with something mayjah, for reals...

Today is Bloggers Unite for Human Rights Day, so I wanted to write an article about human rights. What, bikinis don't count? Crap.

I have been fascinated with the story coming out of Texas involving the FLDS children and what is happening to them. I planned on writing about fundamentalist Mormons, polygamy, sister wives, child brides, and how egregious this practice is. How these women are basically raised, from the time they are babies, in complete seclusion from the real world, without any free choice, any ability to live their lives as complete human beings. How many 14-year-olds do you know that wants to marry lame-ass 45 year-old religion guys? Yeah, me neither.

I have no first-hand experience, the closest I've ever been to the FLDS was being married to a garden-variety Mormon who never went to church at all. I didn't even ever get to see the inside of a Temple, bummer. Living in Arizona I would see them around town though, wearing a Utah burkha: floor-length dress with long sleeves, no makeup, hair in a Little House On The Prairie do, holding and carrying small children.

(Completely off-topic, did you know Blogger spell check doesn't recognize the word burkha? Can also be spelled burqa, burka according to Wiki, but it doesn't like any of them. Maybe some sort of bizarre optimism on Blogger's part? If we ignore them, it will go away?)

I had pretty much made up my mind that it was for the best that the authorities had come in and taken these children in Texas. For the most part I still believe this, at least in the short-term, while they sort out who the parents are and whether abuse has occurred.

But upon researching this issue I came across something that has ripped into my heart a bit, something I wasn't aware of. According to this article in the Salt Lake Tribune, children under the age of 2, still breastfeeding, basically BABIES, were going to be torn from their mothers' breasts.

This brings tears to my eyes. Talk about hitting home. You see, I am breastfeeding my own baby right now. It is one of the most intense, sometimes painful, time-consuming adventures a woman will ever experience. Some of the most beautiful moments of my baby's life, pieces I will carry in my heart until I take my last breath, involve me staring down at her little face as she nurses, her silhouette so angelic I can hardly stand it. If someone tried to take this peanut away from me, it would involve a long bloody battle and my cold, dead body.

All this has of course raised hell with the lactation community, who have arguably the hottest moniker: LACTIVISTS. God I love saying that. Don't you want to be a lactivist and wear your lactivist tee-shirt to the lactivist meetings and have a lactivist bumper sticker? You don't want to mess with the lactivists. Well, you probably do but get your mind out of the gutter for a second.

Anyway, this kind of behavior, the cleaving of mommies and babies, is completely outrageous and of course a blog was created on the spot, thanks Blogger!

To have Judge Barbara Walther say, and I'm paraphrasing folks: 'every day working women go back to work after 6 weeks of maternity leave, so stop sniveling and suck it up' was completely insane. First of all, lots of working mothers CONTINUE TO BREASTFEED you old cow. Dragging a pump to work, trying to find someplace private to pump, hoping nobody drinks their milk when they put it in the office fridge. They go to great lengths to keep breastfeeding so don't make sweeping assumptions lady! Second, most, if not all, working mothers get to, gee, I don't know, COME HOME TO THEIR BABIES AT NIGHT. Lets compare apples and bullshit shall we? Yeah, working a 9 to 5 is just like having my infant ripped out of my arms and put in foster care while you sort out who the baby daddy is.

These mothers were probably married at 14, maybe some of them are even still children themselves. Isn't that just piling more child abuse on the worst case the state of Texas has ever seen?

Probably sensing that hormonally-charged nursing women all over the country would rise up and beat them to death, the powers that be have tentatively allowed the mothers and babies to stay together. I hope Judge Walther does the right thing in this instance and makes a final decision that would protect these infants from further trauma. I, for one, will stay abreast of this issue for sure.

Quick-Fix Bikini Emergency Kit

I have posted before about ways to get your butt in gear for bikini season. Here in Southern California that can be year-round but a lot of us just venture forth to the beach during the summer. But what if you haven't been working out much and you haven't been eating right? And you are going to the beach this weekend? First of all, make yourself a strong drink, I suggest whiskey. Then proceed with these quick fixes. These are not cure-alls, more like body band-aids for that last minute beach party. Exercise and eating right are the most important things, blah, blah, blah, but sometimes we need something quick and dirty to help us out of a jam.



The Right Suit: I always start beach season with a simple, solid-color suit. What would make you feel more confident? A simple black bikini in a flattering cut? .... or that canary yellow floral number with the ruffles? Later in the summer you will KILL in that wild suit, but probably not now, so tuck it back in the drawer and be smart. Add a sarong or a pair of shorts if it makes you more likely to get up and stroll the beach (great workout).



Carry Yourself Like a Lady: Now put your suit on and go stand in front of a mirror. This part is important, really. You are probably in the same pose you were when you bought the suit, sucking in your gut a bit, popping a hip to one side, telling yourself it isn't that bad, quietly sobbing. Turn away from the mirror and relax, stand the way you normally stand, now turn back around to face the mirror. Ackkgghhh!!! I know right? You simply must remember to stand and sit with good posture, I cannot stress this enough. Especially if you have ever had children. This will make all the difference and will easily make you look 10 pounds thinner/fatter. Sorry to scare you like that but there aren't mirrors at the beach so it is easy to forget how we actually carry ourselves in the real world. Put your shoulder back and work it girl. Watch some America's Next Top Model if you need pointers, it is a riot.

Fight Bloat with Natural Diuretics: Buy a big bag of lemons , slice up a few as soon as you walk in the door and put them in the fridge. Just get it over with. Then drop a few lemon wedges in whatever you are drinking throughout the day, garnish your dinner with them, drop a wedge of lemon into a nice glass of tea before bed, you get the picture. Lemon is a wonderful, gentle diuretic that will whisk away some of that water in your midsection. Next up is watermelon, another easy diuretic that can be your beachy snack. Low in calories and high in lycopene, second only to tomatoes!, also chock full of vitamin C and A in the form of beta-carotene, and potassium. So grab a watermelon while you are out buying your lemons and chop that up too. Don't you already feel less puffy?




Tank Up On Water: I know, why were we so worried about diuretics if we are going to chug a ton of water? Well water will help keep your skin looking beautifully clear, keep all your internal organs hydrated (kinda important) and actually help keep the bloating at bay as well. Triple threat. If you are a Diet Coke queen, cut back and replace with water (just for the short term, it's okay, breathe) because carbonated beverages can make you feel bloaty as well.




Avoid Salt and Carbs the night before. You think you are being virtuous by having a light dinner of soup and a 1/2 sandwich but stop! Between the soup and the lunch meat, your sodium intake is off the charts. Have yourself a nice green salad with some lean protein. Check the salad dressing for sodium too. You are probably craving sugar now if you haven't had any carbs with dinner but stay strong. There are a ton of great sugar-free options available for dessert: sugar-free Jello or pudding, fudgscicles, etc.



Exfoliate, Moisturize, Pedicure: Give yourself a nice good scrub down with a loofah and then give yourself a healthy slathering of moisturizer. Take a peek at your toes as well; you will be navel (and toe) gazing at the beach and they have probably been cooped up in boots all winter. I usually just do a home pedicure though because the sand and salt water will wreck your polish. Just a quick trim and a coat of something sassy and bright that will look cute in your flip-flops.

Fake Tanner is your friend. Now is not the time to get on your high horse about how you don't want to end up a shade of Lindsay Lohan toxic orange. You won't look like a Vegas hooker with just 1 or 2 applications of a tame 'medium' shade tanner. I like L'Oreal Sublime Bronze in the gel form but almost all of them work on the same principle. Since you are freshly exfoliated and moisturized, the tanner will work beautifully and just take the edge off your Casper hue. Just make sure you blend, blend, blend and then blend some more so you don't have any streaks. Oh and wash your hands really well afterwards.

And finally, relax and stop stressing. Stressing about putting on a bathing suit will actually raise the cortisol levels in your body, which can trigger some people to store fat in their abdominal area. If there was ever a case for lolling around doing nothing, surely it is this. A nice lavender bubble bath should do the trick. Plus scotch, scotch will definitely help. Just think, you are ahead of the game now. You have some tricks up your sleeve and you are going to have a blast, so get out there and turn some heads.

I Am So Totally Doing This

Did you know Amazon has video reviews? Did you know that said video reviews can be really hysterically funny? My new favorite thing is this Viral Video Film School flick by Brett Erlich (the content gets a little adult at the end but it is SO worth it) and believe me when I say I will be posting my Amazon reviews soon enough. Schlowmp, Klohp!

Doodle Mad

Well it is the last day of Doodle Week and I've had so much fun making random drawings, I had no idea! Here is how I feel when I am stuck behind a slow driver (never mind the Kabuki makeup):

Myspace Face

Quite possibly one of our youth's finest gifts to mankind, Myspace face. This is a style of photography that involves taking pictures of yourself in a unique and playful way that fully conveys your cleverness and artistic sensibility. If a hint of teenage angst is thrown in, all the better.

My generation never had this kind of technology, I think the closest we ever came was the picture strip from the photobooth of you and your friends making funny faces that you would hang up in your locker. Kids, we had to wait and wait and wait for those damn photos to drop down into the slot, I'm not even joking! You guys and your newfangled digital technology. These new Myspace-style pics are different. You will find swarms of kids in the Apple store taking pictures of themselves. Don't be alarmed, just make a wide circle past them and don't make any loud noises.

My daughter has mastered the art of the Myspace face so I want to give you a little tutorial. It can involve several variables:

Cool accessories, especially if they involve caffeine:

Funny non-hat things as hair accessories:

Cryptic messages postied to your face:

(I'll get back to you on that one, I have no idea what haunting wizards less than three means...)

You can even get babies in on the action, they don't care!:

So as you can see, the Myspace face is here to stay. If you are over the age of 25, you might want to bookmark this page before you attempt to take any of your own, or consult with someone who doesn't have a job yet to see if your pics are okay before posting. You might have to interrupt their game of Guitar Hero but they'll feel like studs so its okay.

Good luck!

Hot Tranny Mess Doodle

More doodles! I know, you are thrilled.

What do I usually doodle when I'm just sitting around doing nothing but daydreaming? Since I am a girl, and I love clothes, I usually end up doodling a dress, which gets progressively crazier, and I end up with a historical-looking tranny mess, like so:

I am doing better though. As a grownup, I don't actually daydream about wearing said dress to my double-wedding with my best friend when we marry members of Duran Duran. I call that progress.

Doodle Flower

Okay it isn't a flower, but they said it could be a plant so I'm going with a tree. That has to count as a plant so don't even start with me. This is a rare hypnotree and if you lay underneath it and stare at the leaves you will get hypnotized and the squirrels will come down and make nests in your pockets, so be careful!

Mother's Day Then and Now

My itty-bitty kitchen helper helping me bake a cake for Mother's Day. She was quite disappointed the box was empty. Having my little bean here in my arms (and cleaning off my pantry shelves) made this Mother's Day great fun indeed.

And here we have Mother's Day last year:



Not sure what I was about to throw my hand on my hip about, could have been a number of things in my pregnant state:

Can someone turn on the damn air conditioner, it's freekin hot!

When are we going to eat? I'm getting shaky.

Let's leave now, if we wait I'm gonna have to pee in 5 minutes again.

Old Lahaina Luau

Even before we got to Maui I had booked reservations for the Old Lahaina Luau. Its reputation preceded it. I had heard the warnings to make sure to book early, preferably months in advance, as it was always sold out. You can choose mat or table seating and since we were bringing a baby, I knew mat seating would be easier to manage. She ended up thinking it was just playtime on the floor and did great (mostly).




Located, ironically, in Lahaina, the luau is easy to find, right across from the Cannery Mall. Lahaina is a super fun little town full of shops and good eats so there is a ton to do there as well. If you get there at 5:45 you have ample time to get checked in, get directions on how to get to your table, and knock back a few complimentary drinks. They will have a lei and a mai tai waiting for you at the door. The mai tais are strong and unpleasant, so try something else. The bar will make you any of these lovely offerings: mai tai, pina colada, chi chi, lava flow (!!), blue hawaii, green passion, hawaiian sunset, margarita, honey girl, little tita, long island, long beach, nalu special, mellow dramatic, as well as assorted beers, wines, sodas.

Hmm, should I lose my mind now? Or wait a bit? ...

Your waiter will be a local boy wearing a sarong and his main purpose in life will be to bring you as many drinks as he possibly can throughout the evening. He isn't even kidding, he takes inebriation seriously. All of the employees are so enthusiastically friendly and happy that it is hard not to relax and have fun. This particular waiter was the person who introduced me to the one, the only, LAVA FLOW. A mysterious combination of strawberry, pineapple, and coconut, it is my new favorite thing.

(Hey, give me your Myspace and I'll add you to my friends list)

Craftsman and hula dancers have stations scattered about before the luau begins so you can stroll around, learn a few hula moves, buy a tiki for your desk, and take a few pics as the sun goes down on the water.

The only uncomfortable part for us was sitting at a group table with strangers. My husband and I are way too introverted for stuff like that and even with the help of several drinks I never ended up making friends. Later on, my baby made friends with a guy at the next table but she is sociable like that.

There was a big to-do when they unearthed the Kalua pig from the underground imu (oven) before dinner. A huge crowd gathered around and the local boys shared some humorous jabs before they hauled it off to be shredded. Everyone had their cameras poised and ready, pushing, jostling for the perfect position to take a pic. Until it actually got dug up. Then a hush fell over the crowd and the majority seemed a bit dumbstruck by the sight of a 200-pound pig carcass. I guess its a little different than ordering a pork chop at Denny's. Being a fishitarian, I didn't have any worries.

Here piggy piggy

So more drinks! and back to the table because were going to eat soon, dammit. Luckily they call you up table by table because I wouldn't want to fight these people for vittles, especially in my progressively-intoxicated state. The all you can eat dinner includes: Kalua pig (remember him?), poi, ahi poke, sweet potato, pulehu steak, chicken long rice, island style chicken, maui style mahi mahi, stir fry vegetables, local style fried rice, island crab salad, taro salad, pohole salad, lomi lomi salmon, rolls, banana bread, haupia, green salad, and fruit. Oh, and that isn't even dessert yet so save room. My favorites were the ahi poke and lomi lomi salmon, I could have easily just eaten a plate full of those 2 things and been happy.

So we're just about to eat dinner and this is when the baby LOSES HER MIND. It was so funny; almost on cue she just started wailing. So dear husband carted her off to the shore where the sound of the waves would hopefully drown out the 200 decibels she was putting out. I just tried to chow down post haste so we could do the dinner baby hand-off. If you don't have kids yet, savor eating your meal with your hunny while you can. Hold hands, gaze into their eyes, capture the moment on film because it will eventually be a distant memory and you too will be tossing your baby back and forth like a quarterback.

After/during dinner and more drinks!, they start the show. You won't see any fire eaters or other nonsense at this luau, just good authentic hula. The performance gives a timeline of the Hawaiian people and their journey to the Hawaiian islands through history, replete with many costume changes. Luckily all the stomping and chanting and drumming and hip shimmying transfixed the baby and she was happy the rest of the night. In hindsight, I am glad she had her meltdown when she did. A baby behind us scheduled his cry-a-thon just as the show was starting and boy did you not want to be his parents with the looks of death they were getting.

Dessert is brought out to your table on a big communal tray. Little brownies, macadamia tarts, coconut custard, chocolates.

Pro: You get to sample a little bite of everything, and it is all good.
Con: You can't eat every single piece of coconut custard because the other
people at the table will realize you are a pig.

Having never been to a luau before I have no frame of reference, but it was a very fun evening. The only ways it could have possibly been improved upon would be to have been sitting at a table full of all my closest friends, not strangers, and to have a tray of desserts just for myself. Oh and a nanny for when the baby cried, while I'm wishin.

Doodle Animals

I was obsessed with horses when I was young, just like most little girls are. I spent countless hours drawing horses, probably years of my life cumulatively. So I knew what I'd be doodling for today's theme. I guess I didn't get all of yesterday's monster theme out of my system because I ended up making fantastical animals.

I think they are about to go save some peeps in danger.

This Would Make a Trippy Mint Julep

I saw a story on the news last night about salvia, a legal hallucinogenic herb that can be purchased at most tobacco shops. Salvia is a member of the mint family and hasn't been made illegal yet. So whose bright idea was it to do a story about it on the news? Oh right, kids don't watch the news so we don't have to worry about it.

http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-he-salvia28apr28,0,2635386.story

Apparently the kids know about it anyway. There have been videos of teenagers high on salvia staggering around, laughing, acting wasted, posted on Youtube. Once kids are making movies about it on Youtube, forget about it. End times!

Kids these days. Can't they just be happy smoking oregano?

The Big Reason I Can't Get Much Done

....is so little. And cute! And constantly trying to climb into my lap. This where you will find her if I am working, on the floor at my feet trying to pull my headphones off. How can I say no to that face? Thank God she doesn't know what ponies are yet or we'd probably have one in the backyard chewing on a lawn chair.

Doodle Monster

Today is MONSTER day. So what is one of the scaries things I can imagine? Well sock monkeys kinda freak me out. Monkeys are cute. Socks are cute. But why are the 2 rolled into 1? Why?? A sock that can eat bananas? A monkey that can keep my feet warm? I don't get it.

Doodle Week

Doodle Week Group on Flickr

Doodle You

Here is my doodle you offering. I know, it looks like a one-sided botox botch. Also I just realized the cocaine must be awesome, look at those pupils!

Christina Ricci Is Human Anime

Christina Ricci will play Trixie, Speed Racer's loyal girlfriend, in the flick that comes out May 9th. Perfect casting, if you ask me, as she looks like a gorgeous little anime creature in real life. She has certainly come a long way from Wednesday Addams and has grown into her forehead (more like a fivehead). Have you seen Black Snake Moan? Dayum that was a freaky movie, freaky in a good way. The costume budget on that movie must have been $10 because she was wearing, like, a pair of panties for most of the movie.

IMDB has some 'splainin to do though, as you have to scroll to the SECOND PAGE of the Speed Racer page to get to her info. Um, hello, isn't she one of the leads? Someone needs to work on that.

Baby Speed Racer

I'm trying to increase her top crawling speed. I think with some fine tuning she could get up over 2 miles per hour.















I don't think it will have any noticeable side effects, do you?

Mother's Day Mistakes

Its almost Mother's Day and you know what that means. A basket of body wash and loofah products? Flowers? Maybe some chocolate? Whatever you get, I'm pretty sure your mom doesn't want any of these:

Moms love butterflies, duh!

Never heard of that song, is it similar to "Always On My Mind?"







At least this one is helpful. No more forgetting your kid's birthday.

Two gifts in one! She can wear a pendant that reminds her of the matching crappy gift at home.






Rivermom!





Nothing says "I love you mom" like whales.

New expandable stackers for Mormon moms.






For Carrie Bradshaw-lovin moms.

One of these names just doesn't belong here, one of these names just isn't the same.

Red flag, this guy can't cut the apron strings.

Props to the ladies of Babycenter, helping to rid this world of crappy mom gifts one kid at a time.

The Happiest Job In The World

Mother's Day is almost here, so I was in See's Candies the other day. I love how cold and sterile a See's store is. Whatever I am buying in this place, it can't possibly be bad for me right? Am I getting a gallstone removed or buying candy? I almost don't know.

I started thinking about what a great job it must be to work at See's and wear the flirty little faux nurse uniform and give people free samples all day. People must be so happy to see you.

Cue the Wayne's World flashback (doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo) to my first job, working at the Haagen-Daz in the Ala Moana Mall in Honolulu. Again, from the outside looking in, that would seem like such a killer job and sure, it had its good points:

• We got 2 free scoops a day. This is a mixed blessing of course, because in reality, no one should really be eating 2 scoops of Haagen-Daz a day, especially in Hawaii where you live in your bathing suit.
• Also bitchin was smelling like a waffle cone when you came home, better than any perfume on the market.

The only major problem with this job, aside from the chub factor from the 2 free scoops quota, is that when people want their ice cream, they want it NOW. Not in the time it is going to take you to help the customers already in line, make their shakes, wait while they change their mind and ask for another sample, pay, ask for an extra spoon.

Time spent waiting in line to get ice cream turns tourists into angry beasts. The only exception were the Japanese tourists, truly the gentlest, sweetest people on earth. We had to learn how to say $1.30 and $2.60 in Japanese (the costs of 1 and 2 scoops, respectively, WOW I am old). Upon hearing me say "ichi doru sanjuu sento" their faces would light up and they would unleash a torrent of Japanese, so happy that someone could finally tell them how to get to Diamondhead from there, or something. What would follow would be my English attempt at explaining that was ALL I KNEW HOW TO SAY. And giving them a free sample so they wouldn't hate me.

So what is the happiest job in the world? Well, according to this survey of British people (I know, not usually the best arbiters of happy, but it was the best I could do!) found that hairdressers were happiest. So job satisfaction doesn't come in a candy-coated package, but from sweeping up stranger's hair? I may need a bit more persuading before I give Barbizon a call .

Why I Love Voice Editing, Chapter 2

Job security is mine. How can I be worried about a computer taking over my job when the voice editor comes up with stuff like this? Last month's installment was good but this is even better:

"He apparently tried to break his fall with his PARENTS."

Sure, you and I know it should be HANDS but parents does give us such a rich and intricate backstory. How bad was his childhood that he had resorted to this? And what predicament was he in where his parents were handy to break said fall?

This could be a great Lifetime movie if I could flesh out the details. Betrayed By Our Own Boy, starring The Hoff and Valerie Bertinelli as the poor parents. I think I have something here!

Dear iPod Nike+

My Love Letter to Nike+

Oh you!

First of all, I love you. How cool is having every workout tracked and graphed and uploaded right to Nike+? . Selecting exactly how I want to focus the workout, either as a basic workout, focusing on calories or distance or time, so rad. Having it calibrated for my body weight also means not having to try to recalculate the lies that my treadmill 'calories burned' spews out. Treadmills notoriously overestimate calories, using the basic numbers for a 250-pound man. Not to mention being able to sign up for challenges and find other people out there with the same fitness goals.

You also don't need to buy the Nike+ shoes. I just tuck the sensor into my laces and go. You can also get a little case that ties to your laces if you are worried about it falling out. Even if it does, it will interrupt your workout to tell you it has lost contact with the sensor and you could walk back and find it.

There is just one caveat: I wish there was a way for the Nike+ to detect hills. I like to put the incline on 10 for most of my fast walk workouts and I would love to see the actual numbers represented when I go all out like that.

If you are looking for a way to jump start your spring exercise program, this might just get you going.