7 Things You Don't Know About Me

God it sounds like the title of a really bad movie in the $5 bin. I was tagged and then retagged for this Seven Things You Don't Know About Me meme. I promised myself I wouldn't make a tag-team joke right here so you'll just have to make up your own.

Why am I dragging my feet? Because this is incredibly hard. Seven things? Are there even seven things about me in total? Criminy!

So I wrote several, erased several that were FAR too personal. Pro tip: Don't publish in haste. Always leave your rough draft for the next day. So here is what's left. I'm sure I'll think of some really pithy, clever things as soon as I hit publish but these will have to suffice for now.

1. I got to that hardcore, Fame level of ballet obsession as a tween. What a feeling! My dreams of being a ballerina were crushed when puberty brought me Coke-bottle hips. Madame pulled my mom aside and explained to her that ballerinas did not have junk in the trunk. Me and my surfeit of trunk sashayed ourselves over to bellydancing and lindy but I still do tour-jetes across the living room when no one is looking. If I had a time-travel machine I would murder Balanchine and take my rightful place as the Firebird.

2. I am very shy IRL and don't make friends easily.* I hate soap operas, "girls night out" parties, talking on the phone, romance novels, and discussing my kid's milestones. I can assure you I do possess a functional vagina. The quiet desperation that surrounds the playground mommies makes my stomach turn and I can't get away fast enough. I'm trying to overcome my mommy phobia as I'm sure they're not all humorless, soulless, gossip-mongers. Twitter has proven this to be true.

3. I am terrified of my passion for horses and know that if I ever gave in to it, I would cross over and become one of those crazy horse people. So I just try to avoid them as much as possible.

4. My eyes glaze over when you mention sports. I don't understand any of it. I will of course be a good sport (oh God, that was bad) and behave enthusiastically in the stands. Just nudge me in the ribs when it gets to the part where I'm supposed to cheer wildly or howl indignantly. I'd like to clarify that I'm a very physical person. I love hiking, running, skating, and generally getting sweaty in general. I'm just not into team sports. I have no competitive spirit. You win. There, see how easy that was?

5. We didn't have a video game console - is that what they're called? - when I was young and I've never played any sort of video or computer game. There, I've said it. Related: Speaking of geekiness, I've never seen any of the Lord Of The Ring movies, nor a single episode of Star Trek. People dressed up as aliens/hobbits doing serious dialogue give me the giggles.

6. When I was little, my dad did research on rhesus monkeys for the government. I loved to go feed them Fruit Loops. Only later did I learn his nickname was Dr. Death.** Was bummed until I realized this made me "Lil Death" and come on, that's pretty righteous.

7. I'm still not over David Foster Wallace.

*I just realized I've talked about this before. See also: Video of me wanking about being an introvert. Am I really that shy if I make a video about how shy I am? I'm going to think on this for a bit, but I'm leaving it in the list anyway because, have I mentioned, making this list is freaking hard?

** I know I've tweeted this already but in that tweet I incorrectly titled myself Princess Death. I'm correcting my tweet here and using up a number on the list. Double bonus points, bitches!

I don't know who has been tagged and who hasn't so I'm giving away my 7 tags to the first 7 people who send me an envelope with $20 in it. On your marks, get set, GO!